No Bad News!

There’s a song in the movie version of The Wiz called Don’t Nobody Bring Me No Bad News. The wicked witch, played deliciously by Mabel King snarls and stomps around her sweatshop warning her workers and anybody else not to bring her “no bad news.” There is a penalty for bringing her bad news:

Don't you ever bring me no bad news
'Cause I'll make you an offer, child
That you cannot refuse
So don't nobody bring me no bad news!

I am absolutely sure she could stand toe-to-toe with Don Corleone.

For the past year my church, led by a group of amazingly brave women, has embarked on a mission to raise awareness about Domestic Violence within faith communities. Unfortunately, people in my context have been singing Eveline’s song while we’ve been trying to accomplish some important work. For so many of them, to draw attention to this issue is to bring bad news to the church doorsteps and they would rather not have any of it. It would be better if people who are survivors put their past behind them, forget about it and move on to happier ruminations. For those who are still dealing with those demons, it would be better to seek healing elsewhere. How can talking about this be anything but bad news?

When people are confronted with somebody else’s suffering, especially concerning this issue, they are forced to confront their own experiences. This can be painful if they’re not ready to confront their past. Does this mean that everybody who is raising their objections or who is clearly uncomfortable is a victim or perpetrator of DV? Well, I can’t say yes or not because I don’t know their stories. I can only point to some numbers listed at the National Domestic Violence Hotline:

From the Allstate Foundation National Poll on Domestic Violence (2004)

• 3 out of 4 (74%) respondents personally know someone who is or has been a victim of domestic violence.
• 83% of respondents strongly agreed that domestic violence affects people in all racial, ethnic, religious, educational, social and economic backgrounds.

From the Harris Poll (2006)

• Approximately 33 million or 15% of all U.S. adults admit that they were a victim of domestic violence. Furthermore, 6 in 10 adults claim that they know someone personally who has experienced domestic violence.

From the Liz Claiborne Inc. Teen Relationship Abuse Survey (2006)

• 1 in 4 teens (24%) reported feeling pressure to date; 14% said they would do almost anything to keep a boyfriend or girlfriend.
• Fully one-third of 16-18s (33%)—and 31% of teens who have been in a serious relationship—reported that sex is expected.
• Almost half of teens who have been in a relationship (47%)—and 55% of those who describe theirs as serious—have done something that compromised their own values in order to please their partner.
• 3 out of 5 (61%) said that they’ve had a boyfriend or girlfriend who made them feel bad or embarrassed about themselves.
• 30% reported worrying about their personal physical safety in a relationship.
• 20% of those who have been in a serious relationship have been hit, slapped, or pushed by a boyfriend or girlfriend.

How many of those people are sitting in the pews, singing in the choir stand, ushering people to their seats, preaching, cooking in the kitchen, serving communion, cleaning, playing the piano or organ or drums, working with the youth, or are the youth? How many?

Talking about Domestic Violence in the church is also inconvenient. It’s a disruption in the joy of worshiping and fellowshipping. We should be clapping our hands, singing uplifting songs, smiling and celebrating God’s goodness. That eleven o’clock hour should be a time of uplift. Why force people to come down to earth and face the ugliness that might not be in their lives but might be residing in their neighbor’s house. I heard my pastor preach about God's providence all month long. I guess that’s ok, but let’s not get too close to the realities people are facing when they're at home. It’s especially inconvenient if one has pushed their own experience to the farthest corner of their mental closet. Who wants those boxes to come unsettled? We don’t want a Pandora situation here.

What if Jesus’ response to Bartimaeus was, “Don’t bring me no bad news Bart. Can’t you see I’m on my way to Jerusalem?” What if Jesus told the man with the withered hand to keep his withered hand and his issues to himself? I suppose Jesus could have said to the woman who came anointing his feet with her hair and tears, “Woman…please don’t come up in this party bringing me any news I can’t use.” The woman with the issue of blood? "Woman, I wish you would try to touch my garment." It sounds crazy, but that's the Jesus some people present to a hurting world.

On October 18, my church observed Domestic Violence Awareness Month. We hadn’t even started service when a woman shared her testimony with me. Her face darkened when she remembered the women who had suffered through much worse than she had, but she smiled and glowed when she told me about her survival. She knows what it’s like to come through and she wasn’t ashamed to tell it. She wants to do more.

I know people don’t want to face their pain or uncover their secrets. It’s like picking at an old wound and who wants to bleed again? Even so, the moment I make the choice to forget how I have survived is the same moment I start turning away from a sister or brother and that would be bad news indeed.

10 Things Men Can Do To End Men’s Violence Against Women

A CALL TO MEN is a leading national men's organization addressing men's violence against women, and the eradication of sexism, while maintaining strong coalitions with women's organizations already doing this important work. They help to organize communities in order to raise awareness and get men involved in ending violence against women.  Check out their website at http://www.acalltomen.org. The list below is taken from their website. Of course, there are more than 10 things, but this is a start!

1. Acknowledge and understand how sexism, male dominance and male privilege lay the foundation for all forms of violence against women.
   
2. Examine and challenge our individual sexism and the role that we play in supporting men who are abusive.
   
3. Recognize and stop colluding with other men by getting out of our socially defined roles, and take a stance to end violence against women.
   
4. Remember that our silence is affirming. When we choose not to speak out against men's violence, we are supporting it.
   
5. Educate and re-educate our sons and other young men about our responsibility in ending men's violence against women.
   
6. "Break out of the man box"- Challenge traditional images of manhood that stop us from actively taking a stand to end violence against women.
   
7. Accept and own our responsibility that violence against women will not end until men become part of the solution to end it. We must take an active role in creating a cultural and social shift that no longer tolerates violence against women.
   
8. Stop supporting the notion that men's violence against women is due to mental illness, lack of anger management skills, chemical dependency, stress, etc… Violence against women is rooted in the historic oppression of women and the outgrowth of the socialization of men.
   
9. Take responsibility for creating appropriate and effective ways to develop systems to educate and hold men accountable.
   
10. Create systems of accountability to women in your community. Violence against women will end only when we take direction from those who understand it most, women.
    

Shine a Light on Domestic Violence

Today is the first day of Domestic Violence Awareness Month. As you already know, this is an issue that is near and dear to my heart. I can't say enough about the need to develop wholesome relationships and create wide open spaces for peace in the home, at the workplace and especially, in the church.

The New York State Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence has some suggestions for what you can do to shine a light on this issue.

Wear Purple

Host a Domestic Violence Awareness Day, and encourage staff to wear purple clothing. Some examples include hospital staff wearing purple scrubs, painting a single fingernail purple – be creative! If it generates interest and conversation, you are raising awareness of the issue.

Create a Purple Space

As part of your Awareness Day (or Week or Month), set up a display table in the lobby of your building. Put out brochures, flyers, purple ribbons, balloons.

Proclaim the Month

Governor David A. Paterson will officially proclaim October to be Domestic Violence Awareness Month in New York State, but you can ask your local officials to proclaim the month in your town or city. Provide them with language for the proclamation, then organize a publicity event for local media to attend. (Sample language: http://www.opdv.state.ny.us/public_awareness/press/2008_proclamation.html)

Post a Web Banner

Update your website to include information about Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Post a web banner on your home page. OPDV will have an Awareness banner available in September for free download.

Contact the Media

Write an opinion piece or a letter to the editor. If you organize an event, send a press release to local media. Call them to let them know an event is happening. They may just show up with cameras!

Pin a Purple Ribbon

Make and distribute purple ribbons. Get a roll of thin purple ribbon from a craft store. Cut into 3" strips, cutting ends on an angle. Loop the ribbon into the well-known awareness shape and pin from behind using a straight pin. You can dab hot glue between the pieces of ribbon for a more permanent hold.

Paint it Purple

Window paint for cars is available in purple. Use it on vehicles or storefronts.

Be Creative

In observation of last year's World Day of Peace, my church planted a peace pole on our property. Inscribed in 8 different languages is the phrase: May Peace Prevail on Earth. I'm proposing that we affix a large purple ribbon to the peace pole. This is in addition to asking people in the congregation to wear purple at some point throughout the month and encouraging my pastor to remember this issue in his sermons. He's preaching about God's providence this month, so I'm sure he'll find a way.

There is plenty more to do. Of course, you can also pray. Read about the issue. You can volunteer. You can help a sister or brother or child in need by making a donation to the local shelter. Donate one of those old cell phones sitting in your junk drawer at your local Verizon store.

In fact, just by reading this blog post, you've done something. You have 30 more days to do something else.

Peace!

OSF - School Dance

Every time I hear this song I think about the Fox Lane Middle School Dance in South House. This was one of the very first memories I had of MJ when I heard of his death. I'll keep my dance moves to myself to spare any embarrassment. Enjoy!

The Winter is Past

I began this blog in the middle of a crisis. I had just accomplished one of the most important milestones in my life and I was struggling to comprehend the enormity of that accomplishment. In August of 2009, I sat down for a face-to-face with the man who molested me when I was five years old. Sometime around November, when I was thrashing about in my pain, a pastor-sisterfriend-confidante suggested I go back to writing. I protested. I did not want my experience to become the only reason I would return to something I enjoyed. Well, she was right. What I have discovered is that although I bear an imprint of my experiences, I am much more than the sum of my parts. I am a conquerer and then some.

The anniversary of this milestone has just passed. I don’t know if I’ll always commemorate this marker, bur for now I need to take a look back and wonder how I got over. I’ve spent the past couple of months reflecting on where ministry will take me geographically and spiritually and what God is calling me to do. I am moving into some new seasons and I know this experience is a part of the whole jumble.

Thanks for coming along with me.

I sat in my Uncle Charles’ beat up van thinking about what I would say. My heart was racing and the knot in my stomach had grown to the size of a large grapefruit. There are no speech writers, no cue cards, no teleprompters for these kinds of conversations. Whatever is spoken has to come from within, someplace deep within the soul that we rarely tap into. The door opened and there he was. He would have been taller if the years weren’t hanging so heavily around his thin neck. Everything about him, his dangling arms and his spindly legs, everything was long and droopy like the saddest weeping willow. He shuffled from his front door to the side door of Uncle Charles' van and got in. Was that fear in his eyes?

“Hey Charles. Hey Kym.”

“Hi _____”

“Wow, Kym. You are just beautiful. Just like your momma.”

“Thank you.”

We pulled out of the driveway and headed to a nearby park so we could talk. I had chosen the place where I wanted to talk. It had to be in a public place with lots of space. I had chosen the time of day. I didn’t want to talk about this at night. I laid the ground rules. That's about all I knew how to do.

Before we started talking, Uncle Charles, uncle to both of us, explained the importance of family. He explained how he learned during his stay in Africa the important roles Uncles have to fill in maintain family unity. When a father is not present, the Uncle steps in to make sure the family remains a cohesive unit. He said a few more things, some more words of love and instruction and then he left us to go for a walk. The two of sat for a moment with our thoughts and decades of hurt and pain and fear hanging in the humid air above us.

I tried to explain that I had prepared myself for this day and now I was at a loss for words. I stumbled and after he told me to just say what was on my heart, I spoke what was on my heart. The words came slowly first like an unclogged drain and then stronger as the dirty water gave way to something brighter and cleaner.

"I know what you did to me. I remember it as clearly as those two boys walking across the street. I know what you did to me and I forgive you for all of it."

We spoke for over an hour that day in the park and then for about two hours on Friday before I left to return to New York. I asked my questions, heard some answers, and left with even more questions that I know won’t be answered. I’ll have to live with that. We spoke that night and the next day after I arrived home in New York.

We haven’t spoken since then and that has been my choice. I explained that from this point on, if there was any communication between us, I would be the one to initiate. I know some will wonder if I’ve really forgiven. How could I forgive and withhold an olive branch? Isn’t reconciliation walking off into the sunset hand in hand singing kum bay ya? Hardly. Reconciliation takes as long as forgiveness and sometimes it never happens. Nobody has the right to tell anybody the how or when. Besides, this is more than excusing somebody for stepping on your pinky toe.

When I came home from that trip I struggled a lot with what I had done. In essence, I had broken off a 35-year relationship. That’s not easy to say, but that’s how it boils down for me. What do you do when the thing you’ve been carrying for so long, the thing that you know you need to throw off your shoulders in order to live, is no longer there? I mourned. I mourned for the time wasted. I mourned for the health and whole relationship that could have been and wasn’t. I mourned for the man he could have been and the man he is today. I mourned for the dreams that have dried up like raisins in the sun. I tried to eat through my pain and that didn’t go so well. I shook my fist at the sky and demanded answers. God has answered given me some and I’m waiting for the rest. I’m learning that silence is sometimes the best answer God gives.

I am still jagged around my edges but not as much as yesterday or the day before. Healing is an ongoing process. I don’t know if people really understand that. If people can understand that my back sometimes hurts because of a car accident I suffered over 15 years ago or that I might need to stretch out my leg because I injured my knee back in High School and the coming thunderstorm is causing me pain, why can’t they understand that the heart and spirit can also hurt from injuries inflicted long ago?

So much time, so many years, so many seasons have come and gone and I have changed in so many ways. I no longer call myself a victim. I am a SURVIVOR. Or as Paul might say, I am not just an overcomer; I am more than a conquerer. The healing, painful and necessary, continues. Digging deep is sometimes the only way to excise the cause of the discomfort. I’ve passed changing, fading leaves, the first flurries of snow, the small buds along the roadside that are full of promise and the full bloom of all things green in my own way, in my own time. I am no longer afraid to speak about my experience out loud, even though in the speaking I also rehearse the experience. I’m starting to believe that I really am fearfully and wonderfully made. I know as well as I know my name that where I am right now is not where I will be forever. It just can’t be. Even if it's just a snail's pace, I continue to move. I can look over the past 12 months - 12 months!!! - and know without a doubt that every season is a passing thing. God is calling me to

Look, the winter is past,
and the rains are over and gone.
The flowers are springing up,
the season of singing birds has come,
and the cooing of turtledoves fills the air.
The fig trees are forming young fruit,
and the fragrant grapevines are blossoming.
Rise up, my darling!
Come away with me, my fair one!”
Song of Solomon 2.10-13

OSF - Divalicious

I think it's best to go with the first artist that comes to mind. I remember when Phyllis died. I was driving down to DC to visit a friend and Phyllis' music was all over the airwaves. There are women artists who claim the title Diva and there are women who just ARE. These women don't have to claim the title. The title claims them.



No video, but this one is great because of all the photos.

OSF - Goin' Solo

Jeffrey Osborne is the first person who popped in my head. Haven't heard from him in a while and that's a crime. He can still woo-woo-woo.

Then...


Part 1


Part 2