Let it Go

It's almost 11 pm and I'm watching Hoarders. If you're not familiar, Hoarders is a show on A&E that profiles people from all walks of life - black, brown and white, young and old, rich and poor - who are hoarders. The point of the show is not just to show the piles of stuff people have accumulated. The point is to get to the root of the problem of why people refuse to let go of the things they know are preventing them from living full lives. The show opens up by saying more than 3 million people are hoarders. I've seen profiles of people who begin hoarding after they've suffered a loss or as a reaction against other painful memories.

I think a lot of us hoard stuff. At the risk of being told that I need to work on getting the speck out of my own eye first, I would love to tell some people to let go of some things. (I'd love to tie them to a chair a la Clockwork Orange, but that's another post.) If your traditions are so important that you don't allow them to breathe and grow, maybe you need to let them go. At the very least, loosen your stranglehold on them. How about letting go of the fear of losing your position and self-inflated power? How about letting go of this idea that you're entitled to certain privileges just because of your gender? You don't know it, but you're crowding us all with your inability to let go. It's hard to find a clear path with all of your stuff piled up around us. And another thing, it's getting moldy and toxic in here. It's time to clean it up.

But I can't tie them up and I do need to work on the speck in my eye first. A couple of weeks ago my pastor said that God not only saved us for eternity, and to [do] good works, but we are also saved from ourselves. I like that because I do need to be saved from myself. That tape I keep running in my head telling me that I'm not good enough, smart enough, and that nobody likes me needs to get shut down and tossed out. I think that's been the most audible tape I've heard since I've made some forward movement in ministry.

I need to call the 1-800-LET-ITGO hotline and tell them to bring the big truck.

Let me know if you need me to send them over to your place.

Go Back and Fetch It

Se wo were fi na wosan kofa a, yenki. The literal translation: There is nothing wrong with learning from hindsight.

There are three different symbols representing this ideal. The bird that flies forward with its head turned backwards to fetch or reclaim experiences and lessons from the past sums up how I feel about my life as the new year approaches. These experiences and lessons are symbolized by a small gem or jewel in midair as the bird reclaims it. In fact, this picture is of a tattoo I have on my right shoulder. The gem in its mouth is a Tau cross. Yeah, I'm a tattooed preacher.

Just how many gems do I have to go back and reclaim? Job loss. Undergrad. Seminary. Engagement. Breakup. Court and Victory. Call to Ministry. Initial Sermon. Of course, there's a lot more. A lot of those experiences are deeply painful. Some are exhilarating and some are just inexplicable. Some are downright embarrassing!

I could blithely ignore my past and forge ahead as if nothing I had ever done in the past was useful for the future. I've seen people like that. I KNOW people like that. They refuse to consider their past because it's too painful and who wants to deal with all of that pain? Who wants to remember all that stuff? They won't pass on their stories to their children and grandchildren, and I think that's a travesty.

I don't know. I think that because of my past, I have more compassion for other people who are in pain. I am growing to the point where I can laugh at some of the most embarrassing experiences and I can reflect on how much the pain has diminished over the days, months and sometimes, years. There is a difference between living in the past and the occasional return.

I am not one to make New Year's Resolutions. I do think we should have goals, but we can make them on New Year's Day or Arbor Day. I think one goal of mine is healing from wounds inflicted and helping people like myself who need healing. I realized last year as I began peeling away layer after layer of some deeply rooted, painful memories that healing in my life will be an ongoing, lifelong process.

A friend posted this on Facebook today and I swiped it because it sums up what I believe is a perfect goal for me in 2010 and beyond. I swiped it because I realized that I have been running away instead of flying foward like the Sankofa bird.

"’Here,’ she said, ‘in this here place, we flesh; flesh that weeps, laughs; flesh that dances on bare feet in grass. Love it. Love it hard." - Beloved. In all our resolution making, let us not forget to make space to allow love and healing into our flesh, into our bodies, forgiving shortcomings and celebrating the blessings that our bodies are.

Happy New Year and let the healing continue.

Facebook: The Witness for the Prosecution

Last month news broke about a Canadian woman who lost her health insurance benefits because of photos she posted on Facebook. It appears that this woman on sick leave for depression. The insurance agent found pictures of her on vacation, at a bar and at a party. She's going to fight the insurance company to have her benefits restored. She said the vacation was a prescribed by her doctor, which makes sense I guess.

I belong to Facebook. In fact, I get to post articles and updates for my job. (Had to get that plug in there.) I'm pretty careful about what I post on my personal page, but frankly, nothing I do on FB is anybody's business. The fact is I allow people the privilege of seeing a side of me they may not otherwise see.

The privacy issue is one that pops up in conversations with my clergy friends and friends who are connected to co-workers, supervisors and board members. A couple of my clergy friends have an extra profile for church people and one for the rest of us. I can appreciate that. Sometimes I just want to say what I want to say the way I want to say it. Recently, I learned how important privacy can be on Facebook.

A friend of mine received a call to lead a church in another state. In fact, she's already moved out there. In the church where was serving, she encountered several roadblocks on the way to ordination. It seems that for every two inches she moves forward, she gets sent back three feet. She recently discovered that members of the church who are her Facebook friends scanned and copied several of her postings to use against her. In fact, they found her posts questionable. She never would have known she was under surveillance, but the email with the questionable posts was emailed to her by mistake. Hmmm... In fact, some of those posts include comments I made in response to her posts.

What concerns me most about this is how anybody thinks it's possible to draw any conclusions about somebody's suitability for ministry based on a 420-character status update. Even if they took 20 status updates and strung them together, what possible conclusion could one draw? I've seen her updates and they're pretty broad. She never slandered anybody. She never argued with other people. She never posted off-color jokes.

Now I know that I'm always being watched and I have a google alert set up to send me an email anytime my name shows up on the internet. I realize that employers have expanded their methods of profiling potential employees. But, her employer has already hired her. Her employer has already set aside an office for her. She's already moved to the state where her employer is located. The people she left behind are the ones who are a swarm of flies in the ointment.

I'm all about using what Facebook provides (and I use that word loosely) for privacy settings. Even so, there isn't anything I can do to prevent people from taking whatever I say there, on twitter or even here on my blog out of context. My friend is going to pray for those people who have tried to discredit her and thwart her ordination process.

Have I said some questionable things? Sure. I am careful, but I am going to speak my mind. I haven't said anything that I wouldn't shout from a rooftop. I'm not going to slander anybody and I'll even change names to protect the innocent and not-so-innocent. See, I've already dealt with people taking my cyber words and throwing them back in my face. They lost and I have the court papers to prove it. So, if you're one of those people and you're reading this, or googling my tweets or checking my facebook page, I suggest you think long and hard about your course of action.

I'm ready for you.

A Gift Left at the Door

Blessed Advent!

The Christmas Eve service held at my church was beautiful. There was lots of singing. The ushers wore red and white and so did many of the congregants. We always have lots of visitors for the Christmas Eve service. I'm sure that's partly because of the Service of Lights. As people enter the sanctuary, the ushers hand out candles. After the sermon, the ushers turn off the lights throughout the sanctuary and beginning from the altar where the pastor lights his candle, the flame is shared throughout the entire sanctuary until all candles are lit. I've always been in the choir stand and from my perspective, the sanctuary looks like a million points of holy light.

This year I was not in the choir stand. For the first time, I was in the pulpit. I preached my initial sermon on November 18 and since that day, I've been in the pulpit serving the congregation. (I'll have to write another post about that momentous occasion.)

To say I've experienced some ups and downs as I transitioned from one aspect of leadership to another is a gross understatement. See, I stayed at my home church, the place where people have known me since I was 7 years old. Brilliant, right? Some celebrated me and some shunned me. I have laughed and smiled until my cheeks hurt, and I have cried buckets of tears until the skin around my eyes was chafed. This transition has challenged all of us; some of us have risen to the challenge and some of us have not. How many times did Paul admonish the churches to play nice in the sandbox?

After every service, the pastor and I walk to the back of the church to greet people. We shake hands, give hugs and greet people with holy kisses (or a brush of the cheek). As we stood at the door on Christmas Eve after celebrating the entry of God into the world through a baby, I watched as one particular person approached the door. There are moments in life when the simplest gestures, a handshake, a direct look in the eyes or a hello, can defuse tension. I felt myself bracing for such a simple gesture as a former member approached the door. This member and I had never had an easy relationship. I don't think either of us ever made the compromises needed to be healthy members of one body. They eventually left the church and I stayed. What now? In the space of 10 seconds, in the chilly vestibule of our church, my pastor received the outstretched hand, the direct look in the eyes, and the Christmas Eve hello and blessing.

I was shocked and then saddened. I was also confused because I wasn't sure if I was supposed to run after him or just leave the situation alone and continue to greet the rest of the congregation as they left service. Would that cause a scene? If there was ever a time to begin repairing, mending and healing, Christmas Eve would be that time, right? The angels praised God saying, "Glory to God in the highest and peace on earth among men with whom he is pleased." What a gift God has given us! What a shame to leave it unwrapped at the door.

No Bad News!

There’s a song in the movie version of The Wiz called Don’t Nobody Bring Me No Bad News. The wicked witch, played deliciously by Mabel King snarls and stomps around her sweatshop warning her workers and anybody else not to bring her “no bad news.” There is a penalty for bringing her bad news:

Don't you ever bring me no bad news
'Cause I'll make you an offer, child
That you cannot refuse
So don't nobody bring me no bad news!

I am absolutely sure she could stand toe-to-toe with Don Corleone.

For the past year my church, led by a group of amazingly brave women, has embarked on a mission to raise awareness about Domestic Violence within faith communities. Unfortunately, people in my context have been singing Eveline’s song while we’ve been trying to accomplish some important work. For so many of them, to draw attention to this issue is to bring bad news to the church doorsteps and they would rather not have any of it. It would be better if people who are survivors put their past behind them, forget about it and move on to happier ruminations. For those who are still dealing with those demons, it would be better to seek healing elsewhere. How can talking about this be anything but bad news?

When people are confronted with somebody else’s suffering, especially concerning this issue, they are forced to confront their own experiences. This can be painful if they’re not ready to confront their past. Does this mean that everybody who is raising their objections or who is clearly uncomfortable is a victim or perpetrator of DV? Well, I can’t say yes or not because I don’t know their stories. I can only point to some numbers listed at the National Domestic Violence Hotline:

From the Allstate Foundation National Poll on Domestic Violence (2004)

• 3 out of 4 (74%) respondents personally know someone who is or has been a victim of domestic violence.
• 83% of respondents strongly agreed that domestic violence affects people in all racial, ethnic, religious, educational, social and economic backgrounds.

From the Harris Poll (2006)

• Approximately 33 million or 15% of all U.S. adults admit that they were a victim of domestic violence. Furthermore, 6 in 10 adults claim that they know someone personally who has experienced domestic violence.

From the Liz Claiborne Inc. Teen Relationship Abuse Survey (2006)

• 1 in 4 teens (24%) reported feeling pressure to date; 14% said they would do almost anything to keep a boyfriend or girlfriend.
• Fully one-third of 16-18s (33%)—and 31% of teens who have been in a serious relationship—reported that sex is expected.
• Almost half of teens who have been in a relationship (47%)—and 55% of those who describe theirs as serious—have done something that compromised their own values in order to please their partner.
• 3 out of 5 (61%) said that they’ve had a boyfriend or girlfriend who made them feel bad or embarrassed about themselves.
• 30% reported worrying about their personal physical safety in a relationship.
• 20% of those who have been in a serious relationship have been hit, slapped, or pushed by a boyfriend or girlfriend.

How many of those people are sitting in the pews, singing in the choir stand, ushering people to their seats, preaching, cooking in the kitchen, serving communion, cleaning, playing the piano or organ or drums, working with the youth, or are the youth? How many?

Talking about Domestic Violence in the church is also inconvenient. It’s a disruption in the joy of worshiping and fellowshipping. We should be clapping our hands, singing uplifting songs, smiling and celebrating God’s goodness. That eleven o’clock hour should be a time of uplift. Why force people to come down to earth and face the ugliness that might not be in their lives but might be residing in their neighbor’s house. I heard my pastor preach about God's providence all month long. I guess that’s ok, but let’s not get too close to the realities people are facing when they're at home. It’s especially inconvenient if one has pushed their own experience to the farthest corner of their mental closet. Who wants those boxes to come unsettled? We don’t want a Pandora situation here.

What if Jesus’ response to Bartimaeus was, “Don’t bring me no bad news Bart. Can’t you see I’m on my way to Jerusalem?” What if Jesus told the man with the withered hand to keep his withered hand and his issues to himself? I suppose Jesus could have said to the woman who came anointing his feet with her hair and tears, “Woman…please don’t come up in this party bringing me any news I can’t use.” The woman with the issue of blood? "Woman, I wish you would try to touch my garment." It sounds crazy, but that's the Jesus some people present to a hurting world.

On October 18, my church observed Domestic Violence Awareness Month. We hadn’t even started service when a woman shared her testimony with me. Her face darkened when she remembered the women who had suffered through much worse than she had, but she smiled and glowed when she told me about her survival. She knows what it’s like to come through and she wasn’t ashamed to tell it. She wants to do more.

I know people don’t want to face their pain or uncover their secrets. It’s like picking at an old wound and who wants to bleed again? Even so, the moment I make the choice to forget how I have survived is the same moment I start turning away from a sister or brother and that would be bad news indeed.

10 Things Men Can Do To End Men’s Violence Against Women

A CALL TO MEN is a leading national men's organization addressing men's violence against women, and the eradication of sexism, while maintaining strong coalitions with women's organizations already doing this important work. They help to organize communities in order to raise awareness and get men involved in ending violence against women.  Check out their website at http://www.acalltomen.org. The list below is taken from their website. Of course, there are more than 10 things, but this is a start!

1. Acknowledge and understand how sexism, male dominance and male privilege lay the foundation for all forms of violence against women.
   
2. Examine and challenge our individual sexism and the role that we play in supporting men who are abusive.
   
3. Recognize and stop colluding with other men by getting out of our socially defined roles, and take a stance to end violence against women.
   
4. Remember that our silence is affirming. When we choose not to speak out against men's violence, we are supporting it.
   
5. Educate and re-educate our sons and other young men about our responsibility in ending men's violence against women.
   
6. "Break out of the man box"- Challenge traditional images of manhood that stop us from actively taking a stand to end violence against women.
   
7. Accept and own our responsibility that violence against women will not end until men become part of the solution to end it. We must take an active role in creating a cultural and social shift that no longer tolerates violence against women.
   
8. Stop supporting the notion that men's violence against women is due to mental illness, lack of anger management skills, chemical dependency, stress, etc… Violence against women is rooted in the historic oppression of women and the outgrowth of the socialization of men.
   
9. Take responsibility for creating appropriate and effective ways to develop systems to educate and hold men accountable.
   
10. Create systems of accountability to women in your community. Violence against women will end only when we take direction from those who understand it most, women.
    

Shine a Light on Domestic Violence

Today is the first day of Domestic Violence Awareness Month. As you already know, this is an issue that is near and dear to my heart. I can't say enough about the need to develop wholesome relationships and create wide open spaces for peace in the home, at the workplace and especially, in the church.

The New York State Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence has some suggestions for what you can do to shine a light on this issue.

Wear Purple

Host a Domestic Violence Awareness Day, and encourage staff to wear purple clothing. Some examples include hospital staff wearing purple scrubs, painting a single fingernail purple – be creative! If it generates interest and conversation, you are raising awareness of the issue.

Create a Purple Space

As part of your Awareness Day (or Week or Month), set up a display table in the lobby of your building. Put out brochures, flyers, purple ribbons, balloons.

Proclaim the Month

Governor David A. Paterson will officially proclaim October to be Domestic Violence Awareness Month in New York State, but you can ask your local officials to proclaim the month in your town or city. Provide them with language for the proclamation, then organize a publicity event for local media to attend. (Sample language: http://www.opdv.state.ny.us/public_awareness/press/2008_proclamation.html)

Post a Web Banner

Update your website to include information about Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Post a web banner on your home page. OPDV will have an Awareness banner available in September for free download.

Contact the Media

Write an opinion piece or a letter to the editor. If you organize an event, send a press release to local media. Call them to let them know an event is happening. They may just show up with cameras!

Pin a Purple Ribbon

Make and distribute purple ribbons. Get a roll of thin purple ribbon from a craft store. Cut into 3" strips, cutting ends on an angle. Loop the ribbon into the well-known awareness shape and pin from behind using a straight pin. You can dab hot glue between the pieces of ribbon for a more permanent hold.

Paint it Purple

Window paint for cars is available in purple. Use it on vehicles or storefronts.

Be Creative

In observation of last year's World Day of Peace, my church planted a peace pole on our property. Inscribed in 8 different languages is the phrase: May Peace Prevail on Earth. I'm proposing that we affix a large purple ribbon to the peace pole. This is in addition to asking people in the congregation to wear purple at some point throughout the month and encouraging my pastor to remember this issue in his sermons. He's preaching about God's providence this month, so I'm sure he'll find a way.

There is plenty more to do. Of course, you can also pray. Read about the issue. You can volunteer. You can help a sister or brother or child in need by making a donation to the local shelter. Donate one of those old cell phones sitting in your junk drawer at your local Verizon store.

In fact, just by reading this blog post, you've done something. You have 30 more days to do something else.

Peace!